and just like that, I started living my life. I finally stopped caring what everyone else wanted or expected out of my life, and just started to be me. If you have not done so, I highly recommend. It is the most freeing & liberating feeling in the world. Better than any drug (trust me, Ive tried the all). A high that can last a life time.
I carried this self-imposed burden around for years. No one was more shocked than I, when it was finally lifted. I truly never believed I would be able to get rid of that feeling. Since I can remember I always cared. I starved myself because I thought if I was skinnier people would like me. I hangout with people who wanted something from me. If someone said jump I’d dive head first. I never felt I belonged anywhere, so I desperately tried to fit in everywhere. I was scared I’d get lost in the crowd and forever be alone. By trying to fit in, I lost more than I gained. I never fully got to know who I was. I never learned the things that really excited me or made me fearful. I wanted everyone around me to be happy, and never put myself first. By doing so, I never found who I was. I was the worst in relationships (friends or lovahhs). I took on all their emotional baggage as if it were mine. Wanted to "fix" everything, hoping it would cure me. I tried to be their everything, because I felt I had nothing. And yet it was never enough. It would never be enough because I wasn’t happy within. I was satisfied with my own life.
I wasn’t living, I was simply existing.
Then one day, I woke up. I was different. I no longer gave a fuck about what people thought of me. Nothing really major happened that day. I just had enough and realized only I could change the narrative & perspective on life.
But the day I woke up, my whole life change.
since I could remember I was always creating life plans. Let me tell ya, none of those life plans included 95% of the things that have happened in my life- only two really things have panned out: get close with my family & become a girl boss before 30. Everything else, not even close.
Listen, I’m not perfect. I’ll still look in the mirror and think I’m fat, or wish my nose was smaller, or think I should have accomplished more by now, or worry I will never truly make it as a boss babe, or think that I shouldn’t have gone down this path and should be married with kids. The self doubt can bring me to my knees (and not in the good way - just kidding mom) but then I just have to take a moment. Take deep breathes and think about my life. I wouldn’t change my life for a second.
Every bad moment, every amazing moment & every moment in between has lead me to this moment.
I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, fingers crossed 1.2 billion from a winning mega millions ticket, but I do know one thing: you are the only one living you life, so make sure you love the life you are living.
If you don't, its pretty damn simple, change it. It won't happen over night. Where I am today took years of self - work, determination, and grit. But if you want something badly enough, don't wait for 5 lucky numbers to appear of power balls go out and make your own life, that you'd be lucky to live.