Coffee Sips with Kate # 1

I’ve been down, in a little bit of a funk (even despite football season starting). Not sure if it’s the change in the weather, change of season, turning 30, the lows of the summer I ignored finally catching up on me or a mixture of all of the above.
 
I became a little reclusive and decided to get lost in one of my favorite books, To Kill a Mockingbird, a couple nights ago. I curled up in bed and read. I turned a few pages and landed on my favorite Atticus quote: 
“She was powerful not because she wasn’t scared but because she went in so strongly despite the fear”
 
And just like that I felt a mood change. The life I’ve built can be lonely. I’m an entrepreneur running a multi dimensional business on my own, I am {happily} single, I work more than the average person, leaving little time for a social life, and my self care routines usually are solo activities like acupuncture or early morning work outs. Most weeks I love my life, I am extremely grateful for the fight & progress I have made in my personal life. I love being single right now & laughing at my horror stories of how pathetic online dating is with my sissy. I seriously been on a rampage of horrible first dates this summer that could easy turn into a sitcom. I wouldn’t give up my Sunday traditions with one of my best friends. Girls’ nights are the best nights. Late night two hour chats with my “bestie with testies” is my therapy. And nothing makes me smile more than seeing my business grow in ways I never even dreamt about. 
 
Over the years I’ve fought major chronic depression. I’ve cared so much what others think my life should look like I became immobile in my life & took it out in my body & mind. Old habits die hard and sometimes, even today, moments of insecurity can last a day, week or a string of weeks. 
 
Right now society tells me I should be married or desperately seeking a husband. I should not be picky who I date because my ovaries are shriveling up at an old age of 30-legit some guy told me this, this week! The same guy then gave me his business card to go on a date. (These are pickup lines these days???). 
 
I respect people who choose this path in life. Most of the closest people in my life are married with kids or planning on having babies. I have SO much respect for them - I think motherhood is the hardest job you can have. It’s just not me right now. I don’t believe love should be compromised and I am happy not to settle. And I am not even sure motherhood is for me. I have a baby called West  and another called Sloane & Ivy and that is all I need - right now. I also don’t have that maternal instinct or a maternal clock (is that even what its called?) and I certainly don’t believe every person needs to be a parent to live a fulfilled life. 
 
98% of the time I am very happy living my life my way. 2% of the time I let societal norms get in my head and let me think I’m wrong, I’m lonely, I'll be unhappy because I am alone, I’m not worthy of this white picket fence life & that is why I do not have it. It’s a life I’ve lived in my early to mid twenties and it’s not a life for me. When people hear my life story they most commonly say “you’ve lived 9 lives” and I truly have. The good, the bad, the so insane, it sounds made up. 
 
But my life has been anything but normal, of my own choosing. Even in the most seemingly normal times, peel the layers back and it was some of the most craziest times. But this is the party I have chosen, the life that makes me happiest; life being fulfilled but so vastly different from the “normal.” The road less traveled is the road for me.
 
 
I like not knowing what my life will look like in two years. I actually could not even guess what it will look like. My 5 year plans never go according to plan, and thus, I stopped writing them. The expectations and not meeting these life deadlines made my depression increase and my self worth decrease. Life happens, life changes, life is so unpredictable and short,  why try to predict it?
 
But the truth is, its really hard emotionally to do life this way. I tell myself and others that it’s okay to be different. It truly is BUT, and it’s a huge BUT, you have to have thick skin and be ready for the ebbs and flows that will come your way. People may look at you like you’re “less than” when you say you are single in your 30s-as if its not a choice!  Even when I say that I might not want kids the most common reaction I get is, "it's okay it'll happen for you some day.” Yeah, it might but it also might not and THAT’S OKAY TOO. It is also okay to care more about a business idea and chase your dreams than to worry that you aren't doing life the “right way". People will judge you, people will make assumptions about you. Let them. Maybe I would be judge if I had the time. WHO HAS THE TIME? I barely can fit in things I love into my day - like the latest episode of the Real Housewives. I truly don't understand people how do I have time to troll the internet and other peoples lives?!?! 
 
I know this post was focused a lot on the dating and the baby thing, but it won't always be. It’s just the time in life that these are the things my babes & I talk about. Also it sucks when your doctor starts talking about freezing  eggs. Like no, I am not that old!!! I am still a hot mess and still figuring out life! 
 
The biggest take away you can get from the first Kate's Chats is one of my favorite mantras I live by. Quick side note I am not sure about mantras, can you just write a sentence and call it a mantra (Well that is what I am about to do)? Or is there a guru somewhere on the top of a mountain in Napal that has a list of approved sentences to call mantras?
But my semi made up mantra of the day is: “only you live your life, no one else lives it for you. So stop caring and stop living it for everyone else, stop doubting yourself and live it for you. “ With that pressure & burned removed theres only room for happiness & sooo many fun adventures!  
xo